White Flag
by shadowed.phoenix
Summary: Well I will go down with this ship... And I won't put my hands up and surrender... There will be no white flag above my door... I'm in love and always will be. My LJ songfic contribution to the world


Author's Notes: Alas, I had the sudden desire to write a songfic, even though I know I should be updating The Road We Walk. It just entered my mind, and got stuck. So here it is… my songfic contribution to the L/J realm.

* * *

There was the image in my mind, an image from the beginning… from the beginning of my life. My true life, my new life, the very best of my years. An image of a train, great and crimson, but utterly still as we boarded upon its great depths. It was to be the moment of my first steps into something beyond; my very first chance to create my life. 

September 1st, 1971, and I was to be traveling to the realm of the unknown and exciting, but you were the first thing to excite me.

You stood beside the train, your hair as scarlet as the Express, and your eyes more luminous than any of the lamps which hung amongst the clouded grey of the day. Small and slender, I knew in a heartbeat that you were different. Different from anyone I had ever met, and perhaps I was being foolish. Perhaps it was merely the wishful dreams of eleven year old boy.

But you didn't think so either.

_I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,  
I'll tell you that.  
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it  
where's the sense in that?_

I remember the first time I felt your hand in mine. Third year, and our very first Hogsmeade trip. I remember the warmth it brought, the intense sensation of elation that filled my entire body, my entire soul. I remember your eyes lighting up as I said something to make you laugh—but I was so caught up in you I haven't an idea what those words may have been.

I wish I could say them to you now, and make your eyes light up for me again. It's been too long since I saw the shining emerald, since you smiled for me and I felt my heart melt. It's been too long since I clasped your hand in mine and knew, with a certainty, that we were met for each other.

You won't take my hand anymore.

But I don't need your hand right now. I don't need to feel you with me, because I know it anyway. I know that I love you, and I know nothing could ever change that. You don't know, but I do. And I'm not letting go, because if your hand leaves mine, I'll be lost. I'll be lost without you, so I cling with what I have. Cling to the fingertips of friendship.

_I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
Or return to where we were_

You don't want me back. You don't want to laugh with me or share your poetry with me or have me tell you that I think you're beautiful. You are, you know. More beautiful than any lily, and though you share a title, it is you that I love best. You won't have me anymore, and I understand. I ruined it.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it. Maybe I should have stayed away, and let it be handled outside of Hogwarts. Once we were gone. But you didn't understand. You've never had your heart, your family, torn away from you. You've never seen an ebony owl land before you, and felt your life fall away around you.

You've never known that the person you love most is still living, and in danger.__

Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be

People say I'm crazy. Sirius says it all the time. I don't think they understand what it feels like, to sit here before the fire and have everything remind me of you. I don't think they understand the fact that you are the flame to me; tempting and vibrant and oh so dangerous.

They don't understand how I feel.

You don't understand how I feel.

You call me insane, pathetic, obsessed. They do too. And I am. I am all those things, but I'm something more.

I'm in love with you.__

I know I left too much mess and  
destruction to come back again  
And I caused but nothing but trouble  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"  
then I'm sure that that makes sense

When you look at me, I can still see it. I can still see the bitter, angry resentment you're harboring towards me. You hated it that year, when all I could do was plot revenge. When my every waking moment was spent trying to learn and practice new ways to hurt those who hurt me. I know you hated it, and I know you told me to stop. Over and over and over again.

But I couldn't stop.

It was my drive; my clinging, desperate way to fix the world. I thought if I could just be rid of them, if they were gone, if they were hurting just like me—then maybe the world would be right.

I had the wrong definition of right.

I know now you don't achieve perfection, happiness, through pain and injury and murder. I know that in thinking that, I was no better than him. You taught me that. You taught me that at Christmas, when you screamed that I had forgotten—that I had forgotten how to live and how to love.

I had forgotten.

But I remember now.__

Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be

I saw you the other day, the first day of the holidays, twirling in the snow. I watched you as ivory streaked your hair, as it pooled over the dark covering of your cloak. I watched you waltzed across the powdered scenery, but I had eyes only for yours.

I don't think you know that I watch you, but I do. In class, you are always the first place my gaze goes. In the Hall, I look up only when you enter. I've visited the library before, just to catch a glimpse of you. In our meetings, it takes every effort to concentrate, because you're beautiful and you're sitting right next to me.

I promise, I'm not a stalker. I just can't get enough of you.

You're like a drug—the more I see you and taste you and speak to you, the more I crave you. I crave the moments where I can watch you, and study you, and recall the times when we were the best of friends. When we cared for one another.

When we were two teenagers in love.__

And when we meet  
Which I'm sure we will  
All that was then  
Will be there still  
I'll let it pass  
And hold my tongue  
And you will think  
That I've moved on....

I'm moving past it, you think. You told me it was good that I finally dated Rachel, and you scolded me when I couldn't stay with her. But you don't know that whenever I saw her, I could only think of you. You don't see that when I look at her, it's with a smile—and then I look at you, it's with love.

I won't let you know, and I won't let you see.__

Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be

I thought it was better this way. I thought I could love you from afar, and if it killed me, so be it. I became your friend again. I sat with you at lunch. You smiled at me.

And I fell even harder.

I was dropped into a well before, and crashed into your dark depth. Now I'm falling from the heavens, and it's never going to stop. I'm never going to stop. I've only just realized it, but I think my heart has known for a long time.

Now if only I had the courage.__

Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be

It's Christmas tonight, and you entered the room alone. Your friends fell asleep hours ago, but you've never been one to rest so lightly. You're an eternal case of insomnia, and instead you spend your time flicking through novels or scrawling the words of your heart in a little notebook.

I watched you sit, and I knew you didn't see me. You were too caught up in your dreaming, and yet you had drawn me from my dreams of you. And I remembered the last Christmas I spent with you, and I knew I couldn't take one more without you by my side. I knew I had to tell you, and if I died of a broken heart—if you killed me with your rejection—at least you would know that I never stopped loving you.__

Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be

You looked up when I said your name, and as I met your eyes, I knew that my hand was reaching for yours—and I hoped against hope that you would take it again.

* * *

The song is White Flag, by Dido, for any who don't know. Please drop a review. 


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